If you are going to take personal responsibility for your life and want to change the distressing conditions in your life you may want to consider these ideas.

Einstein famously said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” 

Dr. Joe Dispenza who promotes the quantum model of healing and change, comments on Einstein’s quote by saying, “This means you’d have to reach a greater level of consciousness or awareness than the one that’s actually reinforcing it.”

He goes on to explain, “…If you can’t get beyond (your problems, challenges, conditions, and adversities in your life), that means every single day you are bringing the same level of mind to your problem or challenge. Said more simply, every day you are thinking about your problem in the same exact way. That’s because, based on your past experience, you have a neurological network in your brain associated with every known person, object, thing, or place at a certain time in your life. In a sense, when you think about those problems or challenges you are thinking in the past.

For every one of those thoughts (or memories) associated with the problem or person, there is an associated emotion, and emotions are the chemical end products of past experiences. If how you think and how you feel creates your state of being, then your reaction to the conditions and problems in your life only serves to reaffirm the same body, mind, thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions equal to the problem. Thus, the stronger the emotional reaction you have to the problem or condition, the more you pay attention to it. We could say then you are contributing to the problem because you are giving it your attention and thus your energy. Why? Because where you place your attention is where you place your energy, therefore you might be keeping the problems or challenges in your life with your attention or awareness. As a result, you’re giving your very life force—your power to create—away to that problem. That’s the energy you could be using to heal or create a different future reality.”

This is a lot to consider.  Taking 100% responsibility for your life, in and of itself, is a big step. Once you can get your head wrapped around that notion, the question then is how committed are you to making the changes that are necessary for the desired results.  It is important to be crystal clear of what your life will look like when change occurs.  You already have a good idea of what happens if things don’t change.  

Revising marital systems require some destabilization. Often when doing meaningful work in counseling, things seem to become worse or more painful before they get better. In the same way that a remodel of a kitchen in your home where things are likely to become disorganized and in disarray until the project comes together. The magnitude of the psychological impact that a kitchen remodel job would be small however, in comparison to making significant revisions in a marital system. Those of us who relish the comfort and avoid pain might find this somewhat distressing. After all, the reason that most people seek help from a professional in the first place is with hopes that they can make all the conflict and pain stop. However, in order for any sane person who would want to commit to counseling that might cause problems to become more intense before they got better would have to have a clearer understanding of the reason why this happens.

Remodeling your relationship isn’t always easy

I will offer the best explanation of why this disarray occurs. Let us take for instance a couple whose struggles with a seemingly endless conflict that resurfaces repeatedly. The repetition that occurs is due to the two individual’s collective abilities to handle the matter in as many, or few, ways as their problem-solving skills allow. When people reach their limits of abilities to creatively solve their problems and can no longer tolerate the personal difficulties it causes, they resort to methods that only seemed to entangle their knot even tighter. Meanwhile, whatever thoughts conflicted partner has of their mate only becomes reinforced and more solidified.

Things begin to shift once a couple is confronted with their respective ways of dealing with these matters in the underlying meaning of it all. That is, shifts happen when one or both individuals become aware of what they are doing, along with the realization that it is themselves that contribute equally to the ongoing conflicts.

Effective counseling has an impact

The impact of effective relationship consultation will result in multiple shifting amongst the marital system. There is essentially a destabilization of what the individuals in this system have come to expect and experience as familiar. In normal human beings, a destabilization such as this would be compared to the anxiety that is experienced when things are beyond our control, far beyond a kitchen remodel job and more like an earthquake of significant proportion. In many ways, even though couples may complain about their ongoing struggles with one another they also have grown accustomed to these familiar and rather predictable behaviors.

It is common for one partner to feel uneasy and react when the other begins to show signs of movement or progress of some sort. It is also common that when someone feels anxious about whatever changes are taking place they may unwittingly sabotage the progress by causing some sort of disruption. These instinctual impulses are designed to bring the system back into alignment with what has been familiar, relatively stable, and safe.

All the work is worth it

Keep in mind, that change is anything but comfortable and can initially be felt as discomfort until it becomes more understood and familiar. It is the reaching of a relatively healthier happier plateau in each individual’s development that promotes the mutual comforts and pleasures that these changes hopefully will bring as time goes on.