Revising marital systems require some destabilization. Often when doing meaningful work in counseling, things seem to become worse or more painful before they get better. In the same way that a remodel of a kitchen in your home where things are likely to become disorganized and in disarray until the project comes together. The magnitude of the psychological impact that a kitchen remodel job would be small however, in comparison to making significant revisions in a marital system. Those of us who relish the comfort and avoid pain might find this somewhat distressing. After all, the reason that most people seek help from a professional in the first place is with hopes that they can make all the conflict and pain stop. However, in order for any sane person who would want to commit to counseling that might cause problems to become more intense before they got better would have to have a clearer understanding of the reason why this happens.
Remodeling your relationship isn’t always easy
I will offer the best explanation of why this disarray occurs. Let us take for instance a couple whose struggles with a seemingly endless conflict that resurfaces repeatedly. The repetition that occurs is due to the two individual’s collective abilities to handle the matter in as many, or few, ways as their problem-solving skills allow. When people reach their limits of abilities to creatively solve their problems and can no longer tolerate the personal difficulties it causes, they resort to methods that only seemed to entangle their knot even tighter. Meanwhile, whatever thoughts conflicted partner has of their mate only becomes reinforced and more solidified.
Things begin to shift once a couple is confronted with their respective ways of dealing with these matters in the underlying meaning of it all. That is, shifts happen when one or both individuals become aware of what they are doing, along with the realization that it is themselves that contribute equally to the ongoing conflicts.
Effective counseling has an impact
The impact of effective relationship consultation will result in multiple shifting amongst the marital system. There is essentially a destabilization of what the individuals in this system have come to expect and experience as familiar. In normal human beings, a destabilization such as this would be compared to the anxiety that is experienced when things are beyond our control, far beyond a kitchen remodel job and more like an earthquake of significant proportion. In many ways, even though couples may complain about their ongoing struggles with one another they also have grown accustomed to these familiar and rather predictable behaviors.
It is common for one partner to feel uneasy and react when the other begins to show signs of movement or progress of some sort. It is also common that when someone feels anxious about whatever changes are taking place they may unwittingly sabotage the progress by causing some sort of disruption. These instinctual impulses are designed to bring the system back into alignment with what has been familiar, relatively stable, and safe.
All the work is worth it
Keep in mind, that change is anything but comfortable and can initially be felt as discomfort until it becomes more understood and familiar. It is the reaching of a relatively healthier happier plateau in each individual’s development that promotes the mutual comforts and pleasures that these changes hopefully will bring as time goes on.